Hey UPS, we need to talk.
This is really hard for me. I used to have a huge crush on you. Everyone did. That sexy brown-on-brown-on-brown uniform and that very clever phone number - 1-800-PICK-UPS. I never thought you would look my way, and yet, one day you started coming by.
Life with you was great for a long time. I had no reason to complain. Then, all of a sudden, things started getting weird. Missed delivery here, broken box there....what was I supposed to think?
I've heard what people have been saying about you lately. And I know that you have a bad image now, what with being caught on camera tossing packages over fences and all. I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt. But what you did to me today is the last straw.
I gave you my signature, I gave you my permission to leave the package at the gate, and I even told you to ring up my neighbors. But you still left me a "Final Attempt" notice on my mailbox and sent my package back to the sender.
You are a rat bastard. I don't think we should see each other anymore.